Not sure where it's coming from and it may just all be in my mind, since I sometimes have a tendency to keep an ember of doubt alive and well-somewhere in this computer, I call my brain.
The things that I want to remember like - friends from twenty years ago, an adventure I had...whatever - it just seems that those things are inaccessible to me right now.Rich always remembered everyone and everything, I mean whole chunks of our childhood and when the kid's we're little...all gone, now I'll never know. Although thankfully Rich told Katrina some of our stories, so all is not lost. I'm sure some of the fellas on 11th street have some stories too, I wish they would send them to me.
I don't know, everything feels like it's wavering - nothing seems concrete. I spend so much time worrying about my children, they have not really dealt with Richie's passing very well. Which of course, one would expect - normally. However, there seems to be a high degree of suppressed rage and grief coming from the girls and it scares me. Both of them are doing exceptionally well (academically) at their respective colleges - Richie would be so proud...I could see him now, smiling and tearing up like a big baby - he was such an emotional goober...I miss that.
I mean this guy would tear up when a sad commercial would come on and then make all of us tear up too....ugggh God.
Daph is struggling and it's serious and I'm very concerned. I am going to pick her up from school on Wednesday with my dad, so he can drive her car back home while she drives with me. I think that she needs to be home for a little bit. This whole thing with Rich has taken a serious toll on everybody's emotional and mental well being.
My only outlet really... is this blog, I can't express my own feelings because I need to be the logical and clear one for the sake of my family and in regards to the circumstances of his death.
Last night I watched The Green Mile. Somehow it reminded me of Richie. When Dell is put in the electric chair and that fucking idiot Governor's son purposefully put a dry sponge on his head - while he gleefully watched what would happen, resulting in the most heinous electrocution...it was awful. When john, innocent john was electrocuted - he simply wanted out...he was tired of feeling all the ugliness in this world. Why would a person chose a death that is not simple or painless, that's how I want to die...sheesh!
Seriously, I think that if I chose to die painfully - there would be a damned good reason for it. I'm sure that the "fire death" as I call it, has to be a personal sacrifice that one makes for the good of many.
It simply has to have merit, because our minds have the capacity to shut it all down in a blink of an eye. I can only think of J.C's sacrifice on the cross and we all know what happened there. Of course Richie's death is on a much smaller scale but nonetheless, the sacrifice is still the same. The hardest part is that we can't read or anticipate the consequence of an event until it is ready to reveal itself. I guess that's where "faith" and trusting in "there is a reason for everything" comes from.
In the meantime, it seems that my job is to be alert and aware - to see and know every detail, I suppose that my grief will have it's time...later.
Timing is everything and there is a reason one would choose the "fire death" and whatever it is, there is nothing I can do about it I must respect it.
In retrospect, I look back to the morning I received the shocking phone call from Anne - informing me that Richie was dying. I refused to believe what she was saying - in that moment, his entire life flashed before my eyes...everything. I was terrified and then in the next moment........... my mind dropped and everything around me slowed down, for some unexplainable reason there was this odd "calm" that settled over me, a state of mind that I have never experienced before.
Every detail of that day, every person, conversation, nuance in body language, intentions, eyes...the collective fear of all the individual's I came in contact with on the morning of May 31st - without looking for it, I saw into the heart of every person that I came in contact with. I can't even express the horror that I felt and experienced that day.... Every detail is ingrained in my mind kind of like a "photograph".
I'm not going to lie when I say that the impressions in my mind are like anything else because they are not - they cut into my heart every single day, much like a laser - clear and precise.
There must be a reason why I unknowingly recorded every single detail...I mean EVERY detail - you have no idea...uggggggghhhhhhhhh, is all I have to say.
I have never been a very calm person before ....but now - my mind is like a still pool, not a ripple in sight.
Perhaps the six straight years (20-40 hrs a weeks) of martial arts training that I had immersed myself into. Not just just your average run of the mill training but one that incorporated the all three needed elements to be a true warrior - mind, body and spirit. This experience was my "fire death" but in this case, it was a metaphorical death of my old way of thinking.
There is a term called "Zanchin" which is a Japanese term referring to a mental state of transcending awareness and focused unity of the mind.
"The Samurai used his Zanchin during battle in order to properly prepare his mind for victory or death...." - http://www.genbu-kai.com/Philosophy.htm
"Whenever we speak of the mind, we have difficulty, as words are inadequate to explain the mind or state of mind. But it is usually accepted that there are particular states during any endeavor, physical or mental, which, when attained, enable us to operate at our maximum potential. In the martial arts, it is vital to be able to operate within this realm." - http://www.nobutake.com/warriormind.asp
Hmm..I remember several times in particular where I and some others had reached Zanchin after many hours of strenuous physical training, never stopping for a breath. It was during this type of training that our minds would inevitably go through a myriad of emotion and rage... stemming from pure physical exhaustion, leading into absolute hatred (usually directed at him), self awareness and finally acceptance...then, finally-a pure and unadulterated state of pure awareness, it was truly an amazing experience.
Interesting stuff.
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