The biggest drag about being an "empath" is when one's tolerance level reaches overload. It is comparatively easy to empathize (on a normal level) with others - when we want too.
It is an entirely different matter, being an "empath". There is no choice here, to be an "empath" means to have an instinctual and receptive sense, that lacks any personal judgement. In other words, I can recieve an individuals state of mind and emotion - without trying at all and what's interesting is that I don't assess anything - it comes in and it is what it is.
I can't tell you how many times that I have felt the "I don't want to live anymore" suicide feeling of complete despondency - from a couple of friends and several strangers - that one sucks but, it's dealable. The worst ones are the "eggshell walking" passive individuals that allow others to use and discard them repeatedly... and the "sociopaths". Those kind of people are scary and pose a serious societal threat.
I can feel a persons entire emotional and physical state of being - instantly. So if there are three people in a room with me, sometimes it feels like I'm in a void of nonstop emotional noise.......physical noise...and fucking mental noise. What happens is, that when I recieve - it manifests into emotional and physical pain.
It's so exhausting, it feels like the life is being sucked right out of me. There are times when I want to run away to some remote landscape, where it is "people quiet" and the only noise I hear is nature - doing its thing. Fortunately, nature makes an entirely different kind of noise, one that I find rather comforting.
Here's the paradox.... I'm incredibly social, I have always surrounded myself with people...people and more people. I love my friends and sometimes, I love strangers. Weird..Maybe it has to do with my "people watching" obsession...okay, maybe "obsession" is the wrong word - I just enjoy watching and predicting human behavior...it's so much fun.
I have always been aware of my ability to "recieve" which by the way involves one more element, that I have always rejected to some degree. Knowing what I percieve (in the moment) almost always leads to the solution. I can with relative ease change an individual's perception - without actively doing anything. It's more like a projected thought or feeling, which almost always creates an immediate shift. The problem is that, by projecting - I am then accountable to that individual...and that sucks. Generally, I reject the solution unless its a suicide situation - then, I feel compelled on a pretty deep level.
Geez, I hope this all makes sense. Lately, I have been having a hard time articulating my thoughts, much less my feelings.
Ever since Richie died, I've been in this strange and otherworldly kind of fog...when it comes to normal everyday things. In spite of that, it seems as though my perceptive ability has become razor sharp. For example, I can look at a situation or thing and see the cohesiveness in every detail as well as any inconsistancy - if you understand the principle of negative space, well then - that is what it feels like.
Richie was an empath too, it's only now and after talking with Katrina at length on the subject - it all makes sense with purpose.
But that is for another day, if I remember to write about it...
I have to go, this computer is giving me a headache.
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