My Godaddy Link...I love Godaddy!

Death?!

For so many years, I have looked for every explanation as to why I am able to sense my deceased loved ones, the things that they do and how it feels physically and emotionally. I've studied "Quantum-everything", at least what I could understand it. I've learned a few thing's along the way. When I'm overwhelmed by my own sadness, depression and NEED, I look for comfort and answers.



The problem is that I try too hard, bullying my will power (weird expression, but I can't think of a better term) - my energy becomes static and clouded and I can't see or sense anything. I've learned a few very important things regarding death - if I really pay attention, I mean really pay attention - I always know...several months before that person is going to die.



Of course, I can only say this about those that I have had close bonds with. I now know what the "shadow of death" means.



After losing my brother (20 years ago) at the age of 29 and more recently, my stepfather of 35 years, my children's father who I had known for 40 years and my own father who I was very close too..all within the last three years. Each of these men had projected the exact same type of energy, prior to their deaths. I remember feeling the first inklings of loss....I saw on each of their faces (within months) something, much like a shadow...like when we dim a light. It was always disconcerting and I would feel this heaviness in my heart (solar plexus).... I really believe now that what I felt and saw was a gentle warning, much like a countdown to what was already pre-ordained.



Have you ever really wondered how it is that our energy can be projected into a clear intention and with virtually any effort our need is always met, in some way or another.



This all ties into one thing "faith"...NOT in the religious sense-I want to make that clear. This is much bigger than our silly, mundane religion's. Most of us at one time or another will say "seeing is believing" BUT...some of you might remember the movie "hook", there was a there was a truly poignant line, that I will (I can't remember who said it...maybe Tinkerbell...The Lost Boy's?) "believing is seeing".


We already know - believe, without attachment... live and experience this life...good or bad, it really doesn't matter. What matters is how we conduct ourselves in relation to EVERYTHING else...our actions, choices and most importantly our ability to accept the choices of those we love.

Every person, relationship, action...whatever, everything has meaning and all are of equal importance.

I am 46 years old, I have tempted death more times than I can remember - not because I wanted to die...it was more like "how far can I go".
I still look at the world in wonder - much like I did as a child...everything is so much more interesting that way.
Six months ago, I saw the shadow on my father's face and this time, I paid attention. In that moment, I love him mistakes and all...it no longer mattered. I knew we didn't have much time so during the course of many coffee conversations (about 3 months) - almost everything I needed him to know, was said. It certainly does not change the pervasive grief that lives in my heart but at least it isn't clouded up with unresolved stuff.

So, it's been a while and...

I really should of been paying more attention this little baby of mine.
My father died recently, they say death comes in three's. I hope so because, if one more fucking person dies (in my family), I am simply going to lose my shit.
I mean come on, what the fuck?
Yeah, fathers die all the time but not when they have a bit of life left in them. It appears that death has been collecting way more people than usual. I don't know, something is starting to smell a tad "epic" as in "Moses parted the red sea" epic.

Just for fun...remember when...

When Insults had class...

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.


The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."


A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."


"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde


"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop


"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb


"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson


"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating


"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker


"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain


"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West



"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde


"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

"Now I lay me down to...

There are two kinds of people in this world - those who know and those who don't. I'd love to pontificate endlessly about the "knowing theory" - however, I have concluded that half of you already know what I'm talking about.....the rest, you wouldn't understand-even if it hit you over the head with a sledgehammer.

...sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep."

By all means, test the waters...

Justice typically refers to the immutable laws of the Universe, The invisible principles that keep everything flowing forward smoothly through infinite causal chains. These are laws that cannot be violated; only enforced. And YES the sword of Justice, double-edged as always, is ready to mete out punishment for those who have wronged, and to reward those who have done good deeds.

The two most important laws governed by Justice are really two sides of the same coin. First comes the law of cause and effect, stating that all events are connected and each present state is the result of all past states. This is a such strange idea to get your mind around because sometimes seemlingly meaningless actions will have great ramifications. Justice shows that every action you do will eventually have an effect, someday, and you really have no idea of knowing what that event is until it happens.

Born from the law of cause and order is the law of Karma, showing that all your actions will return to you eventually. Of course, they will be modified slightly and are often strengthened over time - the lesson is still the same.

As you sow, so shall you reap.

This is really a simple elaboration of the law of cause and effect. Under Karmic law, not only will everything you do have an effect, everything you do will have an effect on you. This is where it becomes critical to be mindful of your actions, because everything you take will come back to you eventually. Before Justice, you have to answer for all your actions, right and wrong.

Life, if nothing else, is fair.

Indeed, Justice teaches the fairest yet cruelest lesson of all because, much like a sword her blade has a double edge. You do not get what you expect, you do not get what you want - you get what you deserve. If you deserve good things then you are rewarded, without ceremony or congratulation. If you deserve punishment then it is given with neither compassion nor mockery. You simply get back what you have made for yourself. And since you cannot change your actions once they have been made, if you want good things to happen you must be constantly making choices that will lead to those good things.

You can be a saint or a demon - it is your choice.

When Justice appears, it should be taken as a stern reminder that the deeds of the past form the foundation for the events of the present and the future. If, in the past, you did something that you have been feeling guilty about, now may be the day when you have to answer for your deeds. If you did a deed you felt was worthy of reward, perhaps that reward will arrive. Especially when the Justice card is around, mind your actions and make sure you don't do anything you might regret later. Justice often appears to warn you that she will meet you again soon if you stay on your current path. Whether this is good or not remains yours to decide.

Quite often, the archetypal judge we tend to associate with justice is not the courtroom statuette, but a figurehead of fairness and authority - symbolic of Universal Law. Be right and reasonable in all your judgements - never take sides, never show mercy but, never show excessive severity either. Most importantly, before we judge others we must be prepared to judge ourselves, to ensure that we are not guilty of the same errors as they.

Righting any wrongs in your past must be done, without any expectation - before you can even begin an attempt to right wrongs in your present.

Justice always prevails.

Whatever!

One of my better designs.

How many battles are there anyway?

Last night Daphne was reading from a list of books that have been banned from schools throughout the country. Books like: "1984", "Huckleberry Finn", various plays by Shakespeare, "Ulysses", "Of Mice and Men", "Catcher in the Rye" and the list goes on...OMG, We are so fucked!
Anyway, somewhere in my perusing, I found this ad written by Adam Horowitz that caused all sorts of groups to rise up...hurt and offended. I really need to throw up. I wonder how it would read, if I were to replace "African American" with "American Indian"?

You know, I am getting tired of TV's, opinions, stupid people, ignorance, cell phones, the internet, bad food, regulations, distractions, lack of sleep, ignorance, racial issues, skin care products, designer clothes, therapists, advertising, lawsuits, the police,abuse of power, bad behavior, excessive college tuition, racketeering, credit agencies,ego battles, jealous family members, drug addicts, government corruption...the list goes on and it's pretty exhausting.


I really just want to live a simple and uncomplicated life...I dream about it every day.
sigh....

By Adam Horowitz

One There Is No Single Group Clearly Responsible For The Crime Of Slavery

Black Africans and Arabs were responsible for enslaving the ancestors of African-Americans. There were 3,000 black slave-owners in the ante-bellum United States. Are reparations to be paid by their descendants too?

Two There Is No One Group That Benefited Exclusively From Its Fruits

The claim for reparations is premised on the false assumption that only whites have benefited from slavery. If slave labor created wealth for Americans, then obviously it has created wealth for black Americans as well, including the descendants of slaves. The GNP of black America is so large that it makes the African-American community the 10th most prosperous "nation" in the world. American blacks on average enjoy per capita incomes in the range of twenty to fifty times that of blacks living in any of the African nations from which they were kidnapped.

Three Only A Tiny Minority Of White Americans Ever Owned Slaves, And Others Gave Their Lives To Free Them

Only a tiny minority of Americans ever owned slaves. This is true even for those who lived in the ante-bellum South where only one white in five was a slaveholder. Why should their descendants owe a debt? What about the descendants of the 350,000 Union soldiers who died to free the slaves? They gave their lives. What possible moral principle would ask them to pay (through their descendants) again?

Four America Today Is A Multi-Ethnic Nation and Most Americans Have No Connection (Direct Or Indirect) To Slavery

The two great waves of American immigration occurred after 1880 and then after 1960. What rationale would require Vietnamese boat people, Russian refuseniks, Iranian refugees, and Armenian victims of the Turkish persecution, Jews, Mexicans Greeks, or Polish, Hungarian, Cambodian and Korean victims of Communism, to pay reparations to American blacks?

Five

The Historical Precedents Used To Justify The Reparations Claim Do Not Apply, And The Claim Itself Is Based On Race Not Injury

The historical precedents generally invoked to justify the reparations claim are payments to Jewish survivors of the Holocaust, Japanese-Americans and African- American victims of racial experiments in Tuskegee, or racial outrages in Rosewood and Oklahoma City. But in each case, the recipients of reparations were the direct victims of the injustice or their immediate families. This would be the only case of reparations to people who were not immediately affected and whose sole qualification to receive reparations would be racial. As has already been pointed out, during the slavery era, many blacks were free men or slave-owners themselves, yet the reparations claimants make no distinction between the roles blacks actually played in the injustice itself. Randall Robinson's book on reparations, The Debt, which is the manifesto of the reparations movement is pointedly sub-titled "What America Owes To Blacks." If this is not racism, what is?

Six

The Reparations Argument Is Based On The Unfounded Claim That All African-American Descendants of Slaves Suffer From The Economic Consequences Of Slavery And Discrimination

No evidence-based attempt has been made to prove that living individuals have been adversely affected by a slave system that was ended over 150 years ago. But there is plenty of evidence the hardships that occurred were hardships that individuals could and did overcome. The black middle-class in America is a prosperous community that is now larger in absolute terms than the black underclass. Does its existence not suggest that economic adversity is the result of failures of individual character rather than the lingering after-effects of racial discrimination and a slave system that ceased to exist well over a century ago? West Indian blacks in America are also descended from slaves but their average incomes are equivalent to the average incomes of whites ( and nearly 25% higher than the average incomes of American born blacks). How is it that slavery adversely affected one large group of descendants but not the other? How can government be expected to decide an issue that is so subjective - and yet so critical - to the case?

Seven

The Reparations Claim Is One More Attempt To Turn African-Americans Into Victims. It Sends A Damaging Message To The African-American Community.

The renewed sense of grievance -- which is what the claim for reparations will inevitably create -- is neither a constructive nor a helpful message for black leaders to be sending to their communities and to others. To focus the social passions of African-Americans on what some Americans may have done to their ancestors fifty or a hundred and fifty years ago is to burden them with a crippling sense of victim-hood. How are the millions of refugees from tyranny and genocide who are now living in America going to receive these claims, moreover, except as demands for special treatment, an extravagant new handout that is only necessary because some blacks can't seem to locate the ladder of opportunity within reach of others -- many less privileged than themselves?

Eight

Reparations To African Americans Have Already Been Paid

Since the passage of the Civil Rights Acts and the advent of the Great Society in 1965, trillions of dollars in transfer payments have been made to African-Americans in the form of welfare benefits and racial preferences (in contracts, job placements and educational admissions) - all under the rationale of redressing historic racial grievances. It is said that reparations are necessary to achieve a healing between African-Americans and other Americans. If trillion dollar restitutions and a wholesale rewriting of American law (in order to accommodate racial preferences) for African-Americans is not enough to achieve a "healing," what will?

Nine

What About The Debt Blacks Owe To America?

Slavery existed for thousands of years before the Atlantic slave trade was born, and in all societies. But in the thousand years of its existence, there never was an anti-slavery movement until white Christians - Englishmen and Americans -- created one. If not for the anti-slavery attitudes and military power of white Englishmen and Americans, the slave trade would not have been brought to an end. If not for the sacrifices of white soldiers and a white American president who gave his life to sign the Emancipation Proclamation, blacks in America would still be slaves. If not for the dedication of Americans of all ethnicities and colors to a society based on the principle that all men are created equal, blacks in America would not enjoy the highest standard of living of blacks anywhere in the world, and indeed one of the highest standards of living of any people in the world. They would not enjoy the greatest freedoms and the most thoroughly protected individual rights anywhere. Where is the gratitude of black America and its leaders for those gifts?

Ten

The Reparations Claim Is A Separatist Idea That Sets African-Americans Against The Nation That Gave Them Freedom

Blacks were here before the Mayflower. Who is more American than the descendants of African slaves? For the African-American community to isolate itself even further from America is to embark on a course whose implications are troubling. Yet the African-American community has had a long-running flirtation with separatists, nationalists and the political left, who want African-Americans to be no part of America's social contract. African Americans should reject this temptation.

For all America's faults, African-Americans have an enormous stake in their country and its heritage. It is this heritage that is really under attack by the reparations movement. The reparations claim is one more assault on America, conducted by racial separatists and the political left. It is an attack not only on white Americans, but on all Americans -- especially African-Americans.

America's African-American citizens are the richest and most privileged black people alive -- a bounty that is a direct result of the heritage that is under assault. The American idea needs the support of its African-American citizens. But African-Americans also need the support of the American idea. For it is this idea that led to the principles and institutions that have set African-Americans - and all of us -- free.

a sense of unease...

Not sure where it's coming from and it may just all be in my mind, since I sometimes have a tendency to keep an ember of doubt alive and well-somewhere in this computer, I call my brain.

The things that I want to remember like - friends from twenty years ago, an adventure I had...whatever - it just seems that those things are inaccessible to me right now.Rich always remembered everyone and everything, I mean whole chunks of our childhood and when the kid's we're little...all gone, now I'll never know. Although thankfully Rich told Katrina some of our stories, so all is not lost. I'm sure some of the fellas on 11th street have some stories too, I wish they would send them to me.

I don't know, everything feels like it's wavering - nothing seems concrete. I spend so much time worrying about my children, they have not really dealt with Richie's passing very well. Which of course, one would expect - normally. However, there seems to be a high degree of suppressed rage and grief coming from the girls and it scares me. Both of them are doing exceptionally well (academically) at their respective colleges - Richie would be so proud...I could see him now, smiling and tearing up like a big baby - he was such an emotional goober...I miss that.

I mean this guy would tear up when a sad commercial would come on and then make all of us tear up too....ugggh God.

Daph is struggling and it's serious and I'm very concerned. I am going to pick her up from school on Wednesday with my dad, so he can drive her car back home while she drives with me. I think that she needs to be home for a little bit. This whole thing with Rich has taken a serious toll on everybody's emotional and mental well being.

My only outlet really... is this blog, I can't express my own feelings because I need to be the logical and clear one for the sake of my family and in regards to the circumstances of his death.

Last night I watched The Green Mile. Somehow it reminded me of Richie. When Dell is put in the electric chair and that fucking idiot Governor's son purposefully put a dry sponge on his head - while he gleefully watched what would happen, resulting in the most heinous electrocution...it was awful. When john, innocent john was electrocuted - he simply wanted out...he was tired of feeling all the ugliness in this world. Why would a person chose a death that is not simple or painless, that's how I want to die...sheesh!
Seriously, I think that if I chose to die painfully - there would be a damned good reason for it. I'm sure that the "fire death" as I call it, has to be a personal sacrifice that one makes for the good of many.

It simply has to have merit, because our minds have the capacity to shut it all down in a blink of an eye. I can only think of J.C's sacrifice on the cross and we all know what happened there. Of course Richie's death is on a much smaller scale but nonetheless, the sacrifice is still the same. The hardest part is that we can't read or anticipate the consequence of an event until it is ready to reveal itself. I guess that's where "faith" and trusting in "there is a reason for everything" comes from.

In the meantime, it seems that my job is to be alert and aware - to see and know every detail, I suppose that my grief will have it's time...later.

Timing is everything and there is a reason one would choose the "fire death" and whatever it is, there is nothing I can do about it I must respect it.

In retrospect, I look back to the morning I received the shocking phone call from Anne - informing me that Richie was dying. I refused to believe what she was saying - in that moment, his entire life flashed before my eyes...everything. I was terrified and then in the next moment........... my mind dropped and everything around me slowed down, for some unexplainable reason there was this odd "calm" that settled over me, a state of mind that I have never experienced before.

Every detail of that day, every person, conversation, nuance in body language, intentions, eyes...the collective fear of all the individual's I came in contact with on the morning of May 31st - without looking for it, I saw into the heart of every person that I came in contact with. I can't even express the horror that I felt and experienced that day.... Every detail is ingrained in my mind kind of like a "photograph".

I'm not going to lie when I say that the impressions in my mind are like anything else because they are not - they cut into my heart every single day, much like a laser - clear and precise.
There must be a reason why I unknowingly recorded every single detail...I mean EVERY detail - you have no idea...uggggggghhhhhhhhh, is all I have to say.

I have never been a very calm person before ....but now - my mind is like a still pool, not a ripple in sight.

Perhaps the six straight years (20-40 hrs a weeks) of martial arts training that I had immersed myself into. Not just just your average run of the mill training but one that incorporated the all three needed elements to be a true warrior - mind, body and spirit. This experience was my "fire death" but in this case, it was a metaphorical death of my old way of thinking.

There is a term called "Zanchin" which is a Japanese term referring to a mental state of transcending awareness and focused unity of the mind.

"The Samurai used his Zanchin during battle in order to properly prepare his mind for victory or death...." - http://www.genbu-kai.com/Philosophy.htm

"Whenever we speak of the mind, we have difficulty, as words are inadequate to explain the mind or state of mind. But it is usually accepted that there are particular states during any endeavor, physical or mental, which, when attained, enable us to operate at our maximum potential. In the martial arts, it is vital to be able to operate within this realm." - http://www.nobutake.com/warriormind.asp

Hmm..I remember several times in particular where I and some others had reached Zanchin after many hours of strenuous physical training, never stopping for a breath. It was during this type of training that our minds would inevitably go through a myriad of emotion and rage... stemming from pure physical exhaustion, leading into absolute hatred (usually directed at him), self awareness and finally acceptance...then, finally-a pure and unadulterated state of pure awareness, it was truly an amazing experience.

Interesting stuff.

Todays pondering.....

There is one thing that I have finally (halfway through my life) acknowledged wholeheartedly and without a single doubt:

A woman by her virtue can see into the heart of any man - regardless of the circumstance.
A woman knows, it's in her DNA, it's a simple knowing.

How is it that a woman can know what is in a person's heart? - because it is her job to know.
Why?
(I'm not referring to animals ok? just humans...period)
Only a woman can bring forth life...a woman always determines the genetic gene pool - she not HE, perpetuates the species.

Why do you think that men keep asking the same question, over and over: "What do women want?" or how about this statement "I don't understand women" sigh, how fucking boring.

What men are really saying is "How can we get away with being bad?" followed by "why can't we?" - because they know why.
Tsk, tsk...
I have a theory and I'm sure that I was not the first to come up with it.

I wonder why a group of women that come together with one directive is always considered a threat? hmmmm...

Ever wonder why, throughout history (after all, it's been documented), that every single women's movement has been made fun of, dismissed, taunted and demeaned?

A group of women is a force to be reckoned with..for example: a group of women walk into a bar, they're not particularly beautiful...just average. However, the energy they put out is confident, smart and secure.

Watch what happens.

Almost every man will slink back into their own shadow and then watch, like a predator. Each man will assess the group and look for the weak link, so he can edge in and gain some kind of leverage...always using the weak in order to get closer to the goal.

What is the goal?
Obviously to feel safe, comfortable and of course...to gain leverage...

Cat calls? What do they mean?
-It's kind of like a male rooster, fluffing out his feathers to catch the hens attention...same idea.

Any takers? Only if she looks in that direction- all he needs is for her to look just once, will he even have half a chance. Then all of a sudden BAM! there is the opening and the opportunity to gain leverage.

It's a given that men are pretty transparent - they give it all away, without even knowing it. We all know it, men more so than we think.

So here's my question, WHY are women so pathetically weak?
I'm sick of it-it has become so clear - our weakness is the underlying detriment that will lead to the global undoing.

Don't get me wrong - men are delightful, when they're brave,vulnerable and honest...what a joy.

The difference between a man lying and a woman lying is that a woman will lie to protect and a man will lie to deceive.

It's so fucking clear!
I pray that women wake up and take responsibility because if we don't and quick - the male species will destroy this planet and everything that is beautiful.

That's it guys.

Wasting time....

Using a Proxy is ridiculous. I have heard via a few very reliable sources that there are programs that can be uploaded onto ones site, which in essence can manipulate a users computer into identifying itself before it can access a page on a site.
Hmmmm....Now, isn't that an interesting little tiddly-wink-a-bit.
BTW, to my anonymous friend down south - I respect your anonymity.

I spy............in my big brown eye

Me and my Pimp daddy




....with his ladies

Okay Cass rocked the bird lady - she won best costume and it really
was the best I've seen in years.

My homo-thexual (add lisping fx) boyfriends - MUAH!

The Ghastly Ghosties - These guys looked kinda' real with
the moon glowing behind them...it was creepy.



Friends, Costume dance off, partying and being artsy fartsy....

Good times, for a change.

I will be reverting back to my usual angst-ridden and judgemental rantings...shortly.

I'm feeling......that there might be a tidal wave of politically incorrect thoughts...........a-brewing in my mind.

Define: Falsification

oh my, how dreary....

For everyone in the Northeast, I'm sure you will concur - this weather really sucks. It feels as though we jumped from spring to fall - Summer? What's that?

Alici's Halloween Invite

I'm thinking it will rain on Halloween - naturally, of course. It's been years since I actively promoted an event (since The Limelight days...1986+) - this Halloween, I am throwing a huge party at Alici's. It's the first time we have been able to get the staff involved, which always makes a difference - whether an event is successful or not. I really hope that the weather is dry and pleasant.

I think that within a few years, I am going to go somewhere warm and moderate like as in....Somewhere, anywhere on the Mediterranean. I've been thinking quite a bit about small villages, coffee in sidewalk cafes, people that care and a smashing villa (whitewashed walls, breezes and all) overlooking the sea.

Honestly, I'm tired - I'm not complaining, it's just that everywhere I look - there is a battle of some sort. When I was child, I don't recall such a pervasive feeling of indifference. Maybe I'm wrong, but it just seems that people (not all, of course) simple don't give a shit anymore about the law, social propriety...Life!!!!! Kid's are killing each other over nothing - evidently, respect for human life does not rank as a priority anymore. "Hypocrisy","Lying" and "Deception" are a few (out of many) social skills, that are needed in order to be successful. Of course, this is just my observation.

I told Musa that within 21 months - our lives will be very different.

Why 21 months and not 24 or 36...why say "month" as opposed to "year" ?

Time is a funny thing - any given "month" can seemingly offer flexibility and perspective within a reasonable period of time, whereas a "year" can seem stagnant and endless.

It's been about 18+ months since Rich died and it seems like he called me just yesterday - I can still hear his voice, I can see his smile...it's so strange not having him in the world, anymore. I grew up with Rich, we were 7/8 yrs old when we met. I remember when e were about 10 or so. he told me that he was going to marry me one day - I giggled and said "I am going to have your children". How in world did we know that?

Richie was always "decent" and "kind" - in fact unless someone was first class jerk, everyone was treated with respect and courtesy.

When Rich was a cop, everyone respected and liked him. I think the only time, he would lose it is when they would bust a Hasidic Rabbi doing the nasty with a hooker - the hypocrisy was infuriating. He would bring home their mug shots and put them in an album. If you've ever lived in NY, you would understand.

Anyway....

I have to go and finish the construction on the last apartment in my building. I'm giving it to my dad, so that he can finally have a home of his own. I want him to be happy and secure. Maybe, just maybe Kathleen (I know you're reading this :) ) might just decide to come up for an extended visit...or better yet, she can just move in with the g-man.

Later Alligators!

Tell me something true....I'm listening.

6am
..uggh - don't fucking ask me anything, I can't think because I'm still groggy.

6:05 am
"These f-ing dogs, let me wake up guys..NO, I'm not feeding you-Give me break!!!"
Dogs following me everywhere-let them out in the yard...Aeres starts barking at my idiot neighbor, who insists on walking his dogs within the closest proximity to the backyard fence. WHY? because, he must get a rise out of watching Aeres and Cody bark incessantly. Hey asshole, don't complain when the dogs escape and run after your sorry ass dogs.
*1st cup of coffee
Smoke...
6:30 am
"NO!, I do not want breakfast (barely squeezing out a 'thank you,Dad')"
Smoke...
Playing Lexulous, with only one eye open....still working on my other eye - it's always the right eye that is first to close and last to open.

6:32 am
*2nd cup of coffee
Smoke...
6:45 am
"IAN!!!!Pulease, you have been in the shower for 1/2 hour...lets go, brush your teeth...NO, you cannot go out without a jacket...do you have your football gear? IAN!!!!!, WTF...NOW!...no, you may not have any money...no, you may not have any money, NO IAN...I love you, have a great day."
Smoke 3 cigarettes in a row...
6:47 am
Dogs come back in the house and follow me everywhere until I feed them...The cat trips me on the way to the kitchen-she wants to eat RIGHT THAT VERY SECOND.

6:49 am
...ring...ring..ring "Hello?...Ian?...I am not discussing April vacation, who is coming to Florida, what you want for Christmas - goodbye, I love you call me after Football practice and I'll pick you up."
Smoke 3 more cigarettes in a row.....

6:55 am
*3rd cup of coffee
..."OMG, fine I'll have scrambled eggs...thanks Dad."
Please leave me alone.....blissfully quiet, finally.
Smoke....

7:02 am
(that was short lived)
Why the fuck is Sallae Mae calling me at 7:02am? -MUTE the ringer.
MUTE my cellphone - try calling me after 9:00 am.
....quiet.
More awake now.
Light up again.....

7:55 am
Knock, knock, knock......
OMG, it's not even 8 yet...F..king, damn it....
Ignore the intrusive person at my front door - I really don't care who it is and I don't even bother looking, either.

7:57 am
The phone is silent but lights up...
Chloe calls...needs me to call so and so immediately...DRAMA...ugghghhhh

7:59 am
There goes that phone again...(the girls have this psychic tag team thing that they sub-conciously do on a daily basis)
"Hi Daphne...blah,blah" - really, it's nothing imminently urgent but I need to deal with.....UGHHHHH again.
Play mindless games on facebook.

8:15 am
Cell phone and home phone light up at the same time - see who it is, ignoring both phone calls.

8:35 am - 9:00 am
7 phone calls - ignore!
I am trying to understand what part of - "DO NOT call me before 9:00 am" is so difficult for people to understand?

9:01am
Onward-Ho

Both phones continue to ring throughout most of the day.
Voicemail is full...Haha!

I cringe every time a telephone rings.
I seriously HATE both of my phones...I'm not kidding either.

Boy, the idea of being stranded on a desert island in the middle of nowhere, sounds dreamy. In fact, I am silently contemplating all of the necessary survival strategies one might need to consider, when stranded on a desert island.

9:30 am

Shower...I'm finally awake.
Respond to emails in order of importance...save the rest for later.
Play Facebook games...

Organize all legal files and call attorney.
Obtain needed Medical records.

Smoke more cigarettes..
*Make new pot of coffee

10:45 am

Ian's school calls...regarding altercation with another boy.
The boy made an unpleasant (yet typical as far as adolescent taunting goes...)remark about Richie.
Ian responds in defense of his deceased father - threatening to whoop the other boy's ass...hey...sounds reasonable to me as this is a rather natural kid-response.

Ian does not get in trouble, due to his heightened sensitivity regarding his father.

I am tired...what?...didn't I just sleep for eight hours? or...was it only 5 hours.

This is very typical of what I have to contend with every single morning. Occasionally, I do get a reprieve - where nothing happens and everything runs smoothly, enough so that I can actually complete the various every day tasks that need to be done.

I wonder if I will ever get the rest of my perennials planted before the ground freezes?

****New Information about Credit report agencies that I uncovered today

"First of all, most people are unaware that the credit score offered by each of the credit bureau's is not the actual FICO score. HELLO??? So in essence each agency creates it's own 'formula' based on something...like 'Fico's' formula. So now the individual credit scores that we see (after we pay a nominal fee, of course) are a skewed version of (but close enough, that we might not notice) our actual Fico score. THIS IS FRAUD, Period. These credit bureaus, which are not government agencies are not only cheating the American people but they are also creating an inaccurate report of our actual creditworthiness - who oversees these agencies as they are private corporations....UNBELIEVABLE>
These credit agencies seem so eager to update a credit profile with any thing negative - in about a nanosecond, then a person's credit score drops 50 points - just as fast. Then on the other hand, when there is an item that has proven to be an error or a bad debt has been paid off - it takes months and months to be corrected, sometimes it stays there indefinitely-until we order another report...What a scam! Clearly, there is something very wrong with this picture..." - Comment that I made in response to an article written about Fico vs. Experian, Transunion and Equifax Credit scores (determined by a bogus and vague formula, that the credit bureau's tweak and use in lieu of the actual Fico formula).

I smell a rat...and this isn't first time, either.
Deception, subterfuge...sadly, it's everywhere.

When something is very wrong - I become obsessed with getting to the bottom of things.
99.9% of the time, my instincts have proved correct.
Whenever I have ignored those telltale gut feelings, I stumble and fall until I see things as they truly are.

This was a tough lesson to learn and believe me after spending most of my life (until a couple of years ago) in a state of ego-driven ignorance - I have concluded that we are genetically predisposed to know and feel the difference between "right" and "wrong", regardless if we are at fault or not.

It's like this:
When something is intrinsically wrong, our "Fight-or-Flight Response" is activated - leaving a nagging sense of unease until we acknowledge and address whatever it is.

A Message to my friends that read my blog regularly:
(except for certain relatives...that I don't respect, for several valid reasons - you already know who you are)
ANYWHO to everyone else.....I would love to get any additional perspectives on some of the things that I am passionate about - especially injustice.
Please feel free to comment and give me your input. I have allowed comments to be anonymous if that makes you feel more comfortable.

Cheers all!

Define Irreverance....

ir⋅rev⋅er⋅ent–

adjective not reverent; manifesting or characterized by irreverence; deficient in veneration or respect: an irreverent reply.

or...
* Irreverent of Human LIFE!
* Irreverent of Human Suffering.

Has anyone ever watched someone die, when you could of done something to save their life?

It's a funny thing when someone or an organization does something wrong... like for instance covering up a HUGE fuck up with a stupid lie and then another stupider lie and so on, without any kind of reconciliation between the lies.

I guess when too many people are accountable for the screw up, then you have way too many people scrambling in the cover up. Then what happens is that upon deeper scrutiny, there are contradictions and gaps so big that a moron could see them.

It's rather sad and pathetic when in truth...admitting to the original screw up would of been much more palatable.
Now they are forced by their own cowardice to commit unlawful acts that will have far reaching implications.

Making a mistake is far better than lying to cover it up. The mistake might of been forgiveable, but the lie?

On another note, I have this pen pal friend of mine who wrote a story for me... last summer after Rich died. This friend is very smart and knows about things that I don't know about - I wish my friend would write me again, to continue the story.

Ahhhh well.

A small step to happiness begins with....

Manners...Etiquette, Decorum etc....

I've been thinking about manners lately, probably because my manners have become rather nauseating, as of late.

I need to work on that!

I have found through experience that good manners seem to give the most dismal situations a somewhat rosier outlook. I decided to post this in my blog so that I can remind myself of how important good manners are.

1. Think things out before speaking, especially if you are poor at finding the right words. Don't start sentences with awkward 'ums' and 'ers' in between.
   
   • Don't speak loudly. You will quickly lose respect if you do, as this is seen as overbearing and rude. It can also make others angry and upset before you even establish a relationship with them. They will think of you as a 'big mouth'!
     
   • Speak with respect to and of others by avoiding negative or insulting remarks. Avoid expressions or theoretical examples implying disrespect, degradation or that invite people to imagine offensive scenarios. General rule: if you don't want someone to speak about you that way, then don't speak this way to others.
   • Don't ever speak of bodily functions, such as using the bathroom or telling crude jokes. Even in casual conversation, this indicates immaturity and often makes bad impressions.
   • Always respect all elders, and listen to them and learn. They have been around, and can teach you plenty.
   • Using the terms 'Thank you', 'Please', and 'You're welcome' indicates good manners. People lacking in manners avoid these terms.
   • Hold open a door for anyone, male or female, following you closely. This is good manners and will never change.
   • Speak highly of your parents and show respect for them, even if you don't always feel that way. If you can't, avoid speaking about them at all. It's tacky to insult those who brought you into this world or raised you. Don't air family dirty laundry: it's tacky and rude.
   • Do not swear or use filthy language. It can make you sound cheap and disrespectful sometimes. People doing this are usually very immature and lack self-control or respect for themselves and others! Curse words not appropriate and you'll begin to feel more comfortable avoiding them. Profanity indicates an angry person and it puts people off immediately as it's distasteful and offensive. Using decent vocabulary gives the impression of intelligence, self-respect and character.
   • Greet others appropriately even if you know someone well. If you are a man, you do not want to greet a woman by saying, "Hey baby, what's shaking?" Instead, try something like, "Hello, good morning or evening," anything making you appear respectful.
   • Try showing you are interested in others by asking questions about them. Don't steal their spotlight by just talking about yourself. Don't come off as selfish. Continually talking of yourself is boring and others will avoid you.
   • Pay attention to how you carry yourself. Have some class, which is the same as manners. Don't slouch; have a neat appearance; shake hands firmly; be and smell clean; hold your head high and don't hide behind sunglasses inside or wear other "trying to be cool" looks at the wrong time; it gives the impression of arrogance and immaturity.
   • Don't put others down, belittle them or spread gossip. Never criticize someone in an attempt to demean or to elevate yourself. If you wouldn't like it done to you, then don't do it! Be complimentary and positive, for example, avoid critizing an article someone has written. Their grammar and spelling may not be as good as yours but they tried. Having an opinion is fine, but being insulting reflects bad manners. Never tell secrets, especially those about your close friends.
     
   • Don't interrupt, cut off or override others, unless they are insulting or swearing, etc. Give others respect and try letting them finish; be a listener! And practice being a good one!
   • Ask for clarification properly. If you missed something someone said, or if you need clarification, ask "Could you say that again for me, please?" or "I'm sorry?" " Padon?" also sounds polite enough. Avoid solely using the word "What?" as it's often brash and unrefined.
2. • 'Never use a phone when entering a bathroom, as some things are meant to be private. No one cares to 'hear' you doing your business. Regardless of why you are there, stay off the phone! No exceptions!
   • Think about phone manners and observe appropriate phone etiquette at all times.
3. Phone Etiquette
   • Don’t phone before 7:00 am and after 9:00 pm [unless in an emergency or an important overseas call]. Also avoid calling people during mealtimes. People don't expect you to drop in and visit at these times, unless it is arranged.
     
   • Ensure the number you have is correct. If you do disturb someone and it’s the wrong number then ‘please’ have the decency to say, “I’m so sorry! I have the wrong number!” That individual may be ill, in a wheelchair, or elderly, etc, so you should show respect and apologize for their inconvience.
   • Check your voice! It carries much more than just a tone, and reflects your character and personality even on the phone! Remember: your listener cannot see you, so your phone-voice becomes your facial expressions, gestures, personality and character. Always check your voice when speaking; speak in a pleasant tone and very clearly. Smile through your voice! What they hear will make a positive or negative impression.
   • When someone answers the phone don’t be harsh and abrupt by telling them what you want first. This confuses them and makes them wonder who you are. You also appear very rude, which is bad if you need a favour from them. It gives the wrong impression before you start! And don’t say, “Who is this?” You phoned them, so introduce yourself and state who you are and what you want – politely! When finished, say, “Thank you for your help. Goodbye” and be genuine! Now ensure you give them time to say ‘Goodbye’ too!!
   • Give people a chance to answer their phone! They could be outside in their garden, knitting, baking, washing the car or at another end of the house. Don’t just ring three times and hang up! It's annoying when you stopped doing something, go into the lounge to answer and just as it gets to your ear the caller hangs up!! Grrrrh!! :o)
   • Answering your phone: Again – don’t forget to check your voice! Just be pleasant and polite and say, ‘Hello’. Never give your name or other personal details unless you know who called; it's too dangerous today. If you are alone and you don’t know who the person is, don't tell them no-one is home or your husband is working, etc. Always pretend someone else is there. Use wisdom and good old-fashioned common sense! Be safe!
   • If the call is for someone else, say something like; “Would you wait a moment please? I'll just go and call them for you.” Put the receiver down gently. If who they want to speak to is unavailable, say, “I’m sorry, Sally isn’t available right now. May I take a message for her and ask her to phone you as soon as she can?”
   • If you must carry on two conversations at once you should always excuse yourself from one and resume it later. r
   • When talking on the phone in a public space, keep in mind that everything you say is no longer just your news. Keep your voice at "indoor voice" level, or lower. Generally, people with good manners don't talk about potentially embarrassing private issues in public.
   • When on the phone, don't talk with others in the room. What's worse than having a phone conversation with one who chats, perhaps not listening to what you're saying, and you can't tell if they are speaking to you or others.
   • Avoid using the computer while on the phone unless it's part of customer services. It is extremely rude and unpleasant when someone makes you listen to a clacking keyboard.
   • Turn off your phone in films, don't text while pretending to pay attention to someone else, and never call during meals, or important ceremonies, where mobiles SHOULD be always switched off at all times.
   • Refrain from using your cell at check-out counters it is bad taste and horribly rude to talk on your cell while having an interaction with other individuals - particularly those people who are handling your money, be it in the grocery store, the mall or at a petrol station. It is unacceptable to treat cashiers as ATMs. Get off the phone, do your business, and then resume your call at a more appropriate time.
   • When with others in a social setting, try to refrain from using your cell phone. It implies you'd rather be somewhere else, with someone else, and that who you are with is less important.
   • Make meaningful introductions. If someone tells you their name, either by shaking your hand and saying their name or by saying "Hi! I'm John!" etc., do not just say "Okay!" or "Hi!". State your name too! This may seem obvious, but people overlook this and come across as not wanting to know the other person.
   • If you are visiting a friend's parents' home, offer the parents help with anything needed there, such as taking out trash or preparing the table for dinner. Don't forget to thank them for their hospitality and opening up their home, as well as allowing you to eat with them. Then they will be sure to have more respect for you when you return.
   • Address older adults and professional seniority with the title of "Mr.", "Mrs.", "Miss", or "Ms." until you are asked by them to address them by their first name.
   • Make certain the person prefers you to use their nick name before you use it. Ask, if uncertain. Don't assume that "Michael" prefers to be called "Mike" or "Sandra" prefers "Sandy".
   • Improve your manners when speaking. Here are other common etiquette mistakes and their solutions:
   • Never say "Yeah". It's "Yes" or preferably "Yes, please".
   • It's never "Huh?" or "What?", it's "Pardon?"
   • Instead of "Nah", say "No, thank you."
   • Always use "May I...?" instead of "Can I?"
   • Don't send letters or notes written in red ink or pencil. It's a sign of disrespect. You can use red ink for lists, or notes to yourself. It's different when it's part of the job, like teachers who may use it for grading.
4. Give gratitude and be thankful. If someone gives you a gift, goes out of their way for you or provides an appreciated service, write a thank-you note. Not an email unless you are at work, and you should still write a thank-you note for a gift. Saying "thank you" is just not enough. Always keep thank-you cards in your office and home. Be thankful for what others do or have done for you.
5. Grammar and Spelling Some people think spelling things wrong is normal. It's actually a sign of bad manners and poor intelligence. If you don't care enough to spell it right, you're insulting the recipient.
6. Use a dictionary when composing a note, letter or email. It's essential. Your words and the context of your message will be understood and not require re-reading.
   • Never use IM, SMS language or computer jargon when sending a note as a 'Thank you' or other communication. Using jargon, in general, makes a person appear self-centred if others don't understand it. It also makes the listener feel ignorant.
   • You should never assume everyone knows what LOL or TTYL means.
     • "Cuz" should never be used instead of "because"
     • "2" should never replace "to", "two" or "too". It can cause confusion,in some cases.
     • Know the difference between you, your and you're
   • Use a dictionary or thesaurus if you aren't sure of the spelling, meaning or usage of a word.
   • Proofread! Don't assume spell-check catches everything. Re-read everything.
   • Not taking the time to spell simple words may be seen as disrespectful.
   • Unless you're chatting with close friends and the grammar is usually horrible, you should never use jargon or abbreviations unless they are commonly recognized (Mr., Mrs., dates, etc.)
   • Understand when IM and chat room language should be used. Avoid using it outside of IM, text or chat situations. It makes you appear lazy and ill-mannered.
   • Avoid generational jargon and slang. When communicating with someone of a different generation, make sure terms used are those familiar to all generations (use English grammar). You wouldn't like it if your boss or grandparents sent you a letter using a strange code or with phrases in a foreign language. Older and younger generations use different jargon.
   • Treat to speak to others as you would like to be spoken to and treated. Having manners is like the Golden Rule of social behaviour.

PS...The movie is incomplete - it's been spliced...we need help....please.

Luciously Leo

Chloe, Gramps and Daphne

Loretta, Musa and Luke

Robin, Me and Patti

Musa, Robin and the other Belly Dancers

Musa, me and Tim
(Those are some good looking men, I say.)

Gregoire, Musa, Daisy and Tim

Me and Musa-licious

Pics from Alici's Leo birthday bash....In celebration of all the self absorbed, the world revolves around me - Leo people, here in our neck of the woods. It was actually a pretty fun group of people. Next month is the Virgo party...oh gee, I'm teetering with excitement...maybe we should add a few Sagges, Geminis and Libra's to offset the balance...just kidding.

Daphne, Musa and Moi

People are very...

...strange indeed.

I watch everybody, sometimes they know but mostly nobody really pays attention. I always know when I'm being watched though - at first it can be disconcerting but then I realize that I have an audience - people are hungry and they want to be fed.
I think...in my humble opinion, there is a pervasive sadness that has gripped the world. It's everywhere and for me, it's not very comforting - to say the least.
Perhaps, I am just more aware of it now...I just don't know.

I've been pondering many abstract ideas lately and for the first time ever (in my life), I can't see a definitive answer to anything. It seems to me that there are no rules anymore. We we're watching some crime show yesterday and the murderer was let off three times for mistrials, yet they kept trying him over and over. What ever happened to double Jeapardy? Since when do we try 12 year old's as adults? I was trying to imagine my 12 year old son committing a capitol crime and going to prison - WTF?????
We have kid's running rampant - there are no rules anywhere. Kid's can do what they want because we let them and then they kill someone and the Witch hunt begins...ooops, here come the do-gooders. What about the parents? Hello?????? I just heard that we cannot spank our children anymore?
I am so glad my children understand the rules and are relatively grounded, aside from the heavy losses that they have suffered over the last couple of years. I watch them very closely, they don't think that I pay attention - Oh yes I DO.

my b-day party at the Bistro

La..dee..da..da..dee...dum

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me.....H-A-P-P-Y B-----IRTH---DAY TO ME (sing along now kids)
Why yes...it tis my birthday. My mother told me that when I was born, I looked just like a hairy little monkey. She admitted that I was the most homely god-forsaken looking little hairball, that she had ever laid eyes on. Fortunately, a beast I was not...Thank God.

"Okay Natasha - we know how much you love yourself"...just kidding.
My lovely and beautiful children are planning a surprise party...I admit that I was thoroughly involved-behind the scenes, of course.
I need to go into the depths of my ridiculous closet and find something really stunning to wear.
It's sunny!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is Ian's graduation....

...Too bad his dad can't be here to watch his son graduate. So what...it's only elementary school ,you say? Well then, put yourself in his shoes.
I'm glad that we have so many good people around us, that shower these children with unconditional love and affection. I'm so glad that Rich is buried just a short walk away - for those moments when his children need to talk to his dead body. Just wrap your mind around that image, because no matter how hard I try, I cannot reconcile this loss.
AHHHHH....there is nothing like it!
My son...fatherless-wow.
I never thought.....ever.
I really can't wait until the day that my thoughts turn to something else, something forward and positive. It's hard to believe in a world of what's right and what's not. Perceptions change at the drop of dime - just think how quickly a thoughtless act can cause a torrent of grief. I think that I must get back to my training consistently, it is the only thing that has ever taught me how to detach.

whatta...

....disgustingly cold wet day it is. It does not feel like summer and I'm starting to get really pissed off.
Rain is good, but not for 5 days in a row. All I want to do is sleep, it makes me soooooo tired.
ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
When the sun comes out, I'll write about something interesting.......until then ?.

It's a funny thing alright, when a situation is exposed for the world to see - The guilty are the first to react, even when there was nothing in particular identifying the subject. (In this case, the "subject" is a noun).
I've gotten into quite a few pickles over my right to express and expose that which is hidden, ignored, denied...blah...blah...blah.

WTF

Secrets, secrets and more secrets.
I have been told that I reveal way too much about myself on this here "Blog O" mine".
It's kind of interesting how people (family, friends and complete strangers) seem to respond either with appreciation or vehement anger.

I've been told to stop blogging for a number of reasons - I've concluded the most common reason seems to stem from the fear of having to look at some kind of truth, regardless of it being personal or public in nature.

Whatever, I don't really give a sh*&!!!!!!!

okay...so I changed my mind.

Musa and I have resolved some of our differences and we are working on the rest.
The restaurant is officially opening tomm. BUT we are having a secret VIP party (some secret..huh?) tonight - we have really made some beautiful changes and I'm excited to see how everyone likes the new look.

BTW....May 31st is ????

RC - we love you and miss you so very much.
Off to the party now.

What's one more?????

Add...
Musa and I have gone our separate ways...what can I do but add it to my long list of failures.

D....Day is a second away...

"D" ?

Timing is everything...

"To be patient in one moment of anger, one will escape a hundred moments..."...Some Shogun

During the course of a person's life, it is quite possible that one could predict the outcome of a situation due to"instinctual memory"?

- WTF is "instinctual memory" anyway? - I wonder if that's a real term? Well, I'm going to use it, because my instinct has a really good memory.
Maybe it has something to do with the "fight or flight" thing..

"The fight or flight response represents a genetically hard-wired early warning system—designed to alert us to external environmental threats that pose a danger to our physical survival. Because survival is the supreme goal, the system is highly sensitive, set to register extremely minute levels of potential danger. As such, the fight or flight response not only warns us of real external danger but also of the mere perception of danger."..Wiki

Seems about right - Now I know why I "flighted" my ass on down to NY. According to Wiki this hard wired response of ours is really not something that we can utilize for the sake of survival any longer.

Here's why:
"In most cases today, once our fight or flight response is activated, we cannot flee. We cannot fight. We cannot physically run from our perceived threats. When we are faced with modern day, saber tooth tigers, we have to sit in our office and "control ourselves." We have to sit in traffic and "deal with it." We have to wait until the bank opens to "handle" the bounced check. In short, many of the major stresses today trigger the full activation of our fight or flight response, causing us to become aggressive, hypervigilant and over-reactive. This aggressiveness, over-reactivity and hyper-vigilance cause us to act or respond in ways that are actually counter-productive to our survival. Consider road rage in Los Angeles and other major cities." - Wiki

Yupskers, that explains everything.
That explains the rampant disease factor.
We are up fucking shit's creek!!!!

okay..... forget the baseball bat.

How eerily serendipitous - as the days events unfold. Hmmm.
So, my mother heads off to DC for some art thing, Ian and I remain here until whenever...I obviously need a break.


I'm off to Lucky Chengs for a rooftop party?

Oh just hit me with baseball bat and be done with it!!!!!!

I wonder how long a person can keep getting hit before they crack and lose it.

How I dream of:
joy....peace....smiles...twinkles in eyes..
breathing in the spring air - so clean and new.

Watching my roses come alive
feeling the grass under my feet

making breakfast...with a smile
waking up with gratitude

All of it seems so far away....so very, very far away.
I don't remember the last time I truly smiled.

When was that?

Today in NY...It's 70 degrees and sunny. Perhaps, I'll walk the streets with my little dog and maybe just maybe...I'll meet someone who will make my heart smile. Sometimes NY has a tendency to bring me back to that sometime ago place when I was free and happy. The church bells ring the same chime, 40 years later - I love them.

A-waken

One of the reasons (as of late), that I keep writing about what I call the "Richie Experience" is that sometimes in order to understand, "why something is" I find that by reflecting on the life events or interactions between myself and others, I get a glimmer of who I am, my limitations, strengths and life purpose.

In those brief moments of clarity, it all makes sense. What I mean is that when we experience something horrific, mundane or joyful, there seems to be an underlying purpose that propels us forward - whether we want to go or not. From what I have observed, people tend to ignore what is an obviously simple concept by creating a more complicated and convoluted version of the same thing................Snore.

Have you ever noticed that when a meaningful interaction or event occurs in your life, no matter what it is - there is an effect. Sometimes we notice and sometimes we don't, the key is to always pay attention.

In my experience when I am doing something wrong, my gut sinks just a little kind of like a warning and if I don't acknowledge that warning, the next invisible nudge is usually in the form of a roadblock of some sort. Everything goes wrong, slows down, there are delays...whatever. The point is that I need to stop what I'm doing and change direction.
Now, when I am doing something right - the world is at my feet. When we were told that Rich was dying in the hospital, I never thought of any wrongdoing on anyone's part-all I wanted to do was for his family to be with him and find out what was happening. I brought Chloe in case they needed blood - we didn't know anything. When we first arrived at the hospital, I immediately sensed fear and my gut was telling me to just listen and observe. When we arrived at the jail,over a period of 2 hours - everything revealed itself. It was hard because all we wanted was to do was be by Richie's side and we couldn't because obviously it was important for us to learn something else, something so ugly and sickening. There is a reason for why we needed to witness what we did. I know now, that Richie's life was sacrificed for the good of the whole and I'm sure that the purpose will be revealed in the future.

It makes complete sense, knowing that my life purpose has a defined form and it's up to me, to figure out what to do with it as long as I stay within the boundaries set by my creator.

FOR EXAMPLE:

Let's use a master artist as the creator and this scenario, painting on a canvas will be his medium: the analogy being - we each represent one painting and the artist is our creator.

1) The artist has always existed, his purpose is to create.
2) He uses many mediums, but in this scenario - it is painting.
3) He must create in order to fulfill his purpose.

In the course of art history - we have (collectively) acknowledged a certain group of individuals as "Masters" in the genre of art.
We see their creations everywhere : museums, art history texts, people's homes, on posters, in advertisements etc...ex: Botticelli, Da Vinci, Van Gogh, Vermeer, Rubens, Michelangelo, Caravaggio etc...etc... We may not always know their names, but we certainly recognize their individual mark.

Okay...

The artist forms/creates an idea in his mind - he doesn't execute each brushstroke by referencing from a formal outline. No, each stroke falls within a set parameter, within the form that has already been conceived within him.
Each brush stroke follows its own free will, the choice, the path it takes in order to produce a complete masterpiece...but remember, it still has to remain within the parameters of its conceived form.
The artist must have a structure (foundation/form) from which he will create.

So...

The artist is our creator.
The universe is the structure or form.
We are paint - texture, color, saturated, faded, bold, weak, shiny, dull and so on.
The negative space represents everything else, including other people.

In art, when negative space is in balance with the subject matter, the painting is alive and compelling. The content is irrelevant because that is always subjective - it's the balance and interaction between the negative space and the subject matter that has meaning.

Each of us is confined to the parameters set by our creator. We are each given a palette - from which, we can create our life, path, destiny. The creator bestowed free will upon us in order to self create.

How fast we fulfill our destiny is the direct proportion to HOW and when we choose to implement the individual gifts that have been bestowed upon us.

What is the fascination with astrology, anyway?
I've delved into studying astrology, only to discover all the different layers and attributes - which are constantly changing according to time. On a surface level, I can see the big picture but couldn't possibly tell you what the formula is. After 30+ years of analyzing astrological signs with friends and so on - I can absolutely say that someones birth sign defines some foundational aspect of each each individual.
When I meet someone, I can pretty much gauge what their primary sign is- if I can't then I certainly identify which elemental group they are in.

All I know is that during the course of my life, there have periods of time in which the people (friends, business associates etc)that I had surrounded myself with, all came from similar astrological groupings.

Earlier in my life, most of my friends were air signs - representing the intellect and thought.
Recently within the past five years, almost all of my closest friends are water signs - representing emotion, nurturing, healing. Seconded by fire signs - action, energy, passion.
I just realized that my three oldest women friends, since childhood are all water signs Pieces,Cancer and Scorpio. The three closest adult women friends I have now are also water signs -Cancer, Cancer and Pieces.
The men that have been the closest to me throughout my life were Father-Libra, Richie-Libra, Ian-Libra and there has always been an important Leo in every decade and currently Musa-Leo

My mother is the only Virgo that I know - which makes complete sense, if you know anything about astrology.

Oddly, I have acquired an aversion to air signs (I am an air sign) I don't really have any air sign friends anymore...strange.